I thought that I had never felt this exact way before. I thought that I was lost in my own mind or that I had lost my mind because of some ridiculous effort to try to reshape it. Everything had changed so suddenly, reality had almost completely flipped around and all by my account. I grabbed the world that I knew so well and reached deep deep inside. I felt something grabbed it with a strong fist and pulled it out. I thought I'd find some deeper meaning, a new door, a way to advance and instead I had grabbed my world and turned it inside out. Now all the shiny, LA with its city resources and my car, my job, and my room were on the other side of this world- an inside that only I know exists. Meanwhile, the world that was my roots - my family, where I come from etc, hissed and jeered away from me after being hidden in the dark for so long. The world is gray here and I don´t know if its because of the buildings and sidewalks and sky all being the same grayish hue, or if its my perspective- my high expectations to go on an adventure to find myself in a reverse reality. I thought I was wild before - brave, open minded, outgoing and different. Here I´m afraid, I look over my shoulder and try not to speak too loud in a group of strangers. Maybe they'll notice that I'm not from here. Its not good to be from somewhere else here. On the shiny side, different is new and new is good. On the gray side... new is dangerous and a threat and strange and 'get her out of here!'

I thought it was this first time my thoughts felt so heavy, breaking my expectations and fogging my vision by sending emotion to my eyes in waves of tangible sadness.
But I am human, and I was wrong. I had felt this way before and I had written out this chaos that an overwhelmed mind creates to hide under which meant, more importantly, that there was an escape. And there was, and the gate keeper that set me free just as she had kept me locked in, was me. Suddenly the buildings were only a new kind of forest to see and the gray sidewalks were textured and held up the cities stories. My ancestry was rich and powerful and poured out through my family like water over the desert that my expectations had become to give life to new feelings, hills and ridges. I could climb up and out of a mountains mouth and see beauty ahead instead of danger from the edge. I could- thats the key - I could decide how I wanted to BE that day. I could chose what to do with the time I was given in such a different world.
But I am human, and I felt alone, facing a world that was so big for so long and just like before I only had to step out and want to BE HAPPY and realize that I was surrounded with more love than I could ever need. So thank you to my parents and my brother. Thank you to my boyfriend and best friend. Thank you to words from back in LA and thank you to the old faces from cousins now so close to me. Thank you big city, for shocking me so hard that I got another chance to get strong.Thank you words for clearing the chaos; it's so much easier to believe that everything can change, when you can see such a huge world made into a simple phrase: It's going to be OK.