I thought that I had never felt this exact way before. I thought that I was lost in my own mind or that I had lost my mind because of some ridiculous effort to try to reshape it. Everything had changed so suddenly, reality had almost completely flipped around and all by my account. I grabbed the world that I knew so well and reached deep deep inside. I felt something grabbed it with a strong fist and pulled it out. I thought I'd find some deeper meaning, a new door, a way to advance and instead I had grabbed my world and turned it inside out. Now all the shiny, LA with its city resources and my car, my job, and my room were on the other side of this world- an inside that only I know exists. Meanwhile, the world that was my roots - my family, where I come from etc, hissed and jeered away from me after being hidden in the dark for so long. The world is gray here and I don´t know if its because of the buildings and sidewalks and sky all being the same grayish hue, or if its my perspective- my high expectations to go on an adventure to find myself in a reverse reality. I thought I was wild before - brave, open minded, outgoing and different. Here I´m afraid, I look over my shoulder and try not to speak too loud in a group of strangers. Maybe they'll notice that I'm not from here. Its not good to be from somewhere else here. On the shiny side, different is new and new is good. On the gray side... new is dangerous and a threat and strange and 'get her out of here!'

I thought it was this first time my thoughts felt so heavy, breaking my expectations and fogging my vision by sending emotion to my eyes in waves of tangible sadness.
But I am human, and I was wrong. I had felt this way before and I had written out this chaos that an overwhelmed mind creates to hide under which meant, more importantly, that there was an escape. And there was, and the gate keeper that set me free just as she had kept me locked in, was me. Suddenly the buildings were only a new kind of forest to see and the gray sidewalks were textured and held up the cities stories. My ancestry was rich and powerful and poured out through my family like water over the desert that my expectations had become to give life to new feelings, hills and ridges. I could climb up and out of a mountains mouth and see beauty ahead instead of danger from the edge. I could- thats the key - I could decide how I wanted to BE that day. I could chose what to do with the time I was given in such a different world.
But I am human, and I felt alone, facing a world that was so big for so long and just like before I only had to step out and want to BE HAPPY and realize that I was surrounded with more love than I could ever need. So thank you to my parents and my brother. Thank you to my boyfriend and best friend. Thank you to words from back in LA and thank you to the old faces from cousins now so close to me. Thank you big city, for shocking me so hard that I got another chance to get strong.Thank you words for clearing the chaos; it's so much easier to believe that everything can change, when you can see such a huge world made into a simple phrase: It's going to be OK. 

Dear Old Blog

Goodbye.

I'm sorry to have to let you go but we have to keep up with the times honey. Oh don't cry it'll be OK. Tumblr treats me well for now. I've already moved my stuff to the new site. Consider this a break. I mean Ill always want you and miss you and remember all the good posts I had about.. well never mind. I hope this break treats you well. I love you and I always will!'

Your one and only A :)
Ana Varela

http://yourana.tumblr.com/

Keep in touch darling.

A New Year.. A New Goal

A fresh start. A new year. This is the prime time for "new year's resolutions" where people make goals for themselves to accomplish in the upcoming year. They create new standards and get rid of old habits. Well that's the intention at least. Make as many resolutions you can think of, wonderful, but the biggest goal... is to stay true to your resolutions. If you say "I will be a better person" then you should be prepared and open for every opportunity thrown at you. Gandhi said, "A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history." and Nike sporting brands' trademark is  " Just do it." Are you getting the picture yet? Determination leads to success! Perseverance in trying to reach your goals! Even Albert Einstein said that "If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things." Goals shape us into better people (if we work towards being those better people). The goals that we create are inspiration for others as well! A very successful person said, "You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." Coming from C.S.Lewis who was able to create an entirely new fictional land for the world to enjoy just by putting the thoughts of his imagination on paper, I would listen to such sound advice.  Leonardo da Vinci said  "You can have no dominion greater or less than that over yourself." In simple words, you are your goal, your starting point, your success, and your end. Success wont come to you... you have to put an effort into it. Winston Churchill had the goal to create a "city upon a hill" - a city of example made up of people like him. Wow what a goal! An immortal goal for the history books! Don't give up. Never give up never surrender to laziness. Its so much easier to just sit and let your goals slip out from your reach. Never stop trying to reach your goals!   He said “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”  Follow through with your resolutions and this year (and from then on).. you can make anything happen.

"To have the goal to better yourself, is to have the goal to better the world." - Your Ana

Dreaming Can Turn Into A Rant

Remind yourself that there is still so much time ahead...and there is no need to rush through anything but rather enjoy the NOW (and you can enjoy the now even more if you pretend things end up with you and your twin boys and your nice car and your amazing husband and you traveling and saving the world and... oh is that just me? )

I cant stop thinking about everything! My mind is on overload! Its a forest full of trees and vines crisscrossing in front of my path in a way that doesn't allow me to see through anything. Overwhelmed with too many details and options I just want to sit down and cry my eyes out. Honestly I feel like a little girl wishing all the time that things would just GO MY WAY. Gimme some sunshine, close friends, a happy family, some love, and can the bad things just POOF away? Is that so hard to ask? Can the school year go by smoother, can the math be easier, can the family be happier, can there be more time for reading, can there be less time for thinking, can there be time for feeling? Recently I heard someone say "people do too much thinking and not enough feeling". Now that's just great detective obvious, but how are you going to solve the mystery? How will you make people start to realize that spending a day with someone who is always alone - an outcast, homeless, elderly, or maybe even someone close to you (your sibling or a friend?), does much more to save the world than trying to finish the homework you've been assigned. I'm not going to stop doing my homework but I am going to keep daydreaming. Its still my favorite thing to do ever. I was just reading an old blog of mine and I was dreaming the same thing about a year ago too! Im going to daydream till I open my eyes and see my life is just the way I want it. *opens eyes* okay not quite there yet. :)

(This is the part where you click on this sentence to go back and see that blog I'm talking about)

Without changing a single word...

"whats the point of trying when time after time you dont feel appreciated? the same thing happens over and over again and it might be my fault that I let it go on for so long.. it took me too long to understand. And finally I did.  I'm a social person you have to understand that I always do the talking.. and I'm fine with that." - A quote that was twisted and convoluted by Anonymous.

            I have been so busy that it hurts! Imagine a world were we could just go and do what we want? I've been having to look into scholarships and then suddenly I stopped and thought... ' WHY'? Why is this so hard? I'm simple (I think I am) and all I want is to be able to write my thoughts, have them heard,  and be allowed to speak my mind. Are there any colleges that want me for me? I want to live with my roommates and do my sociology homework (probably a major reason I am killing myself to actually get to college). Without college how will I get my motorcycle? My house? How will I start something that will save the world (I need money to buy my superhero outfit). I have this weird fantasy that one day I'll live in one of those houses where people just walk in to say hi and hang out. Id be living with my man spending time together and never getting sick of him. He'd think I'm cute in every way (even if he caught me doing my single routine). 

                A single routine is what people usually do when no one they are attracted to is around. It may be eating chocolates, or watching cartoons, or fantasizing about some amazingly perfect men just holding you and telling you how proud they are to walk around with you (oh just me?). I also sit in front of my heater and read. I sometimes clean and organize things in my room and imagine that someday I will be cleaning my own house (mine all mine)! I like to pass by the mirror and look at myself walk by.. not because I like looking at myself but because I try to see if I walk weird in any way, if my tango steps still keep their form, or if my "at parties" dancing hasn't lost its touch (that last one was just an example of course! pshh who dances in front of their mirrors... ). I imagine living with someone who will accept me for who I am, and what I do, and what I think, and my never ending babbling. I would accept them for them or else they'd sleep on the couch! (Id actually be the one sleeping on the couch because I love sleeping on the couch and does it make any sense that if YOU are the one that is upset that THEY should be the one that is punished?). Id rarely ever be mad though, I don't like being mad. I get over everything very quickly. 

Actually that's why that quote is up there ^. I'm not going to play this game about avoiding what I think. If I have something to say about something I'm feeling, I'm going to say it, and it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm trying to start something. Its just how I feel. It doesn't need to be continued. I just want to be heard.




Glad I got that off my chest!

When I was alone, I thought...

.....I think I just want a shoulder to lean on whenever I want.

GIVE ME YOUR SHOULDER!

...or better yet, give someone else your shoulder. Give someone a helping hand tomorrow. Make someones day. Take a moment to make yourself happy and then share how you feel with the world. Give your shoulder, your honesty, your trust, your strength. Then when your done making a difference in someone else's life, do me a favor and just be here for me. We'll lean on each other.

I'm almost there

When it comes time that you begin any trip, you usually have a map or some sort of plan you will follow. You plan to stay on a certain course - to follow a certain path or trail. However there are some people that, while following that path stop to look onto the surface of a lake or a river and they see a reflection. I did not say their  reflection.
The reflection is somewhat skewed and doesn't look much like them at all. The mistake is made when they would, after seeing this, not worry or think twice about it, then they would continue on that same path they were on. There are others who, when seeing a reflection that is not their own, will go back, retrace their steps and try to find where they left themselves. They may think that they have lost their way but actually, when they strayed off that worn path, they created their own trail. Their own options. On that new trail they would see many new things and hopefully that would inspire then to think new things. A person though, no matter what path they take, should have some sort  of goal in mind. If they lose focus of their goal then they may not feel a need to move forward anymore. For myself, I know that I am almost their - at my goal. Did I say you needed your goal to be some huge life wish? Sorry but no I didn't. This time around my goal wasn't big at all compared to the grand scheme of things. It was actually very small and had to do with a small drum inside me that I had to learn to play a different beat on. Yes I'm talking about a goal having to do with my silly heart. I had an inconsistency and I finally figured out why it was there! Imagine you were on a path where it was sunny then suddenly it rained and only five minutes later the sun would come out. I was in relationships that made my world topsy-turvy and that messed with my emotions and clarity of mind - like the blood flow wasn't getting to my head. But I'm almost there - I got off that path and I stopped looking back. I stopped responding to that other beat even if it was uncomfortable and painful.
I know that I will always be familiar with that old path, that lost goal, that inconsistent beat, that rainy weather with sporadic sunshine, but on my new path I only see sunshine and new possibilities. On my new path I am heading to a broader horizon... and I'm not looking back.

Sunday Nights

I should be doing one of a few things..

• doing my homework
• cleaning my room
• studying
• catching up on sleep

but cmon.. there's so much other stuff I shouldn't be doing...

• daydreaming
• stretching
• texting
• talking
• stumbling
• going on Facebook
• staring at my ceiling
• doodling
• reading
• calling boys
• philosophizing on life
• writing this blog

Ah! (this was suuchh a lame entry my GOSH but I just don't want to do what I should you know???)